The title of this post is CAPITALIZED SO YOU CAN HEAR IT!
As many approach their “Golden Years” (we never quite get there, if you know what I mean) some begin to experience the annoyances of aging.
One annoyance is the way folks mumble; who can understand them? To encourage folks to speak more clearly, I have included actual verbal exchanges — recorded over the past months — between Grandma Bevy and me.
I hope readers will take the hint and learn to enunciate!
Grandma Bevy: I think it’s bean soup.
Grandpa Billy: What’s been sued?
Grandma Bevy: Julian’s mom worked at Eyde.
Grandpa Billy: Julian’s mom worked and died?
Grandma Bevy: Oh look, my pill is scored.
Grandpa Billy: I got gored? I don’t think so.
Grandma Bevy: Put your hat in the closet, like a that.
Grandpa Billy: Like a bat?
Grandma Bevy: Like a that.
Grandpa Billy: Like a vat?
Grandma Bevy: Like that!
Grandpa Billy: What?
Grandma Bevy: Do you want one egg or two?
Grandpa Billy: I want new.
Grandma Bevy: I said, one or two. Turn up your hearing aid!
Grandpa Billy: OK. An old one, then.
Grandma Bevy: So, Chuck got the take out and…
Grandpa Billy: Chuck got the tank out?
Grandma Bevy: Take out… take out!
Grandma Bevy: I guess my group won’t be meeting for another two weeks.
Grandpa Billy: You aren’t eating for two weeks? Bev, you don’t have to do that for me.
Grandma Bevy: Now is a good time to take your blood pressure.
Grandpa Billy: Take my butt pressure?
Grandma Bevy: Yes, your blood pressure.
Grandpa Billy: Sounds good.
Grandma Bevy: You can have some turkey later.
Grandpa Billy: I have a turkey flavor?
Grandma Bevy: If you want to.
Grandma Bevy: Our kids are traveling in Europe this summer. We’ll probably be at home.
Grandpa Billy: We’ll be in a home?
Grandma Bevy: You might be.
Grandma Bevy: There are some real egos in that neighborhood.
Grandpa Billy: Eagles? No way.
Grandma Bevy: I said egos. There are some big egos in those big houses.
Grandpa Billy: Maybe some hawks. No eagles.
Grandma Bevy: Oh look! A new dishwasher.
Grandpa Billy: A nude dishwasher?
Grandma Bevy: I texted Doug for his birthday.
Grandpa Billy: You hexed Doug on his birthday? That’s not right.
Grandma Bevy: I have to call Perry’s office to get a refill on my prescription.
Grandpa Billy: Call your parent’s office?
Grandma Bevy: Perry’s office. Perry’s office! Clean your ears!
Grandma Bevy: Am I in your way?
Grandpa Billy: Am Miami way?
Grandma Bevy: No. Am I?
Grandma Bevy: Mary has been placed in hospice care.
Grandpa Billy: Mary hasn’t paid her hospice care? She was always so responsible.
Grandma Bevy: You put the shades down in the bedroom. Afraid someone’s going to see your body?
Grandpa Billy: Seize my coffee? I don’t drink coffee in the bedroom. Never have.
Grandma Bevy: We haven’t seen the neighbors in their hot tub lately.
Grandpa Billy: In their hot dog?
Grandma Bevy: You can put the plates and silverware on the table.
Grandpa Billy: I can put the plastic silverware on the table?
Grandma Bevy: Plates, PLATES!!! (Throws up hands)
Grandma Bevy: I’m going to physical therapy now.
Grandpa Billy: Hysterical therapy?
Grandma Bevy: Oh, for crying out loud.
Grandma Bevy: Guess what? I have a urinary tract infection.
Grandpa Billy: You have a yearning for a track infection? Why, Bev, why?
Grandma Bevy: My sciatic nerve is killing me.
Grandpa Billy: Your psychiatric nerve is bothering you?
Grandma Bevy: You certainly are. (Glares, rolls eyes)
Grandma Bevy: I thought you said you were going to e-mail her.
Grandpa Billy: Female her?
Grandma Bevy: Billll…Y.. !?!
Grandma Bevy: Did you know that tea, coffee, and cocoa contain different stimulants? I’m a nurse, right? I studied dietetics.
Grandpa Billy: Diuretics? Heh! I studied beer-drinking. ‘Course, that was a long time ago — before my prostrate swoll and nearly killed me.
Grandma Bevy: You don’t drink much now.
Grandpa Billy: I think plenty. I’m sharp as a tack.
Grandma Bevy: Don’t hear so good either.
Grandpa Billy: Donneer soggy ether?
Grandma Bevy: Here’s a straw. Finish your soup, dear.
Grandma Bevy: You dropped a glob of jelly on the table cloth.
Grandpa Billy: … on the tuna cloth?
Grandma Bevy: [starts singing to herself]
Billy Lee
I enjoyed reading this- reminds me of conversations at my parents’ house :-).
Mom left behind some hearing aids when she died….maybe you’d like to try them?! (Well, actually, she left one behind because the other one she tried to eat. At least, I THINK that’s what happened to it–it’s in pieces.)
Seriously, I’ve been thinking about making an appointment with an audiologist (is that what they call people who charge you $5000.00 to correct your hearing?!) Because I am starting (STARTING) to lose hearing–and that entire conversation you had with Bev makes total sense to me…….
You can get a free exam. But the aids are very expensive. I’m thankful for the VA on this one!
Now that was funny! Always sad to hear of your suffering.
Thanks, Micah.
At least you attempt to converse with Bev. Dennis is hard-of-hearing, even though he has a state-of-the -art hearing aid. He doesn’t hear 80% of what I say unless he is looking straight at me. And then I need to repeat it a few times. I don’t have the heart to tell him that it is way past time for him to learn to read lips. If it is so impossible to communicate with him now, the next 25 years or so are going to be very LONELY.
Reading lips is not an exact science!
I went to hearing aids (both ears) in 2000. In 2010 my wife and I went to Ameriacn Sign Language (ASL). ASL is not easy. But it was up to me to figure out how to communcate again and to do things that don’t reqire hearing. No more music, group meetings, etc…
Currently totally deaf in left ear and very little in right one. No more denial – I’m deaf. We are able to comunicate pretty well with the ASL, paying attention and some lip reading.
It is with the general public where I really have the problems. Impossibel to hear in any public environment. Most hearing people don’t sign and really don’t understand, or care about, the problem. With a couple of exceptions, friends, family and co-workers made no efort to accomdate my handicap.
Not complaining – just saying! I am happy with my life. Don’t work any more. Don’t have to answer the phone. Playing poker can be done without hearing. Have some deaf friends. Moving on!