XANAX

During my teens I followed a TV series called Twilight Zone.  Rod Serling hosted and wrote most of the shows — but not all.

One episode has stayed with me: Number 12 Looks Just Like You. John Tomerlin adapted it from Charles Beaumont’s 1952 story, The Beautiful People.


Rod Serling 1959. Heavily censored by sponsors before he got his own show — Twilight Zone — Rod wrote freely until death at age 50 following multiple heart attacks, the last during surgery.

As I remember the story, people in some imagined future-world valued harmony. They thought unattractive people divisive and a threat to world peace.

They demanded that government use its powers to enable folks to better love and accept one another, which required that every member of society agree to a surgical procedure, called the transformation.

Surgeons transformed each person into one of a dozen archetypes — each archetype identified by researchers as appealing to all other people.


Collin_Wilcox_1958 twilight zone number 12 looks just like you
Collin Wilcox played Marilyn Cubele. She died of brain cancer in 2009.

The heroine, 18-year-old Marilyn Cubele, decided against having the surgery because her father committed suicide after learning to regret his transformation — it cost him his identity, he said. Nevertheless, Marilyn’s friends and family pressured her to go along.

After all, everyone else was having the procedure, they argued. Did she really want to be less attractive around beautiful people?

Eventually Marilyn broke down and agreed.

The surgery went well. The doctors administered a drug to ease her mind; to help her accept what was done; to reduce chances of post-procedure depression like her father suffered.

In the last scene, Marilyn confides to her best friend. “Valerie, you know the nicest part…? I look just like you! 


ayn rand
Ayn Rand, author of Virtue of Selfishness and Atlas Shrugged. Ms. Rand died at 77 of heart failure.  Economist Alan Greenspan attended her funeral.

At about the same time another writer caught my attention, this time from print media. I began to collect and read everything available from the novelist Ayn Rand. I even subscribed to her newsletter, The Objectivist.

Ayn Rand marketed herself as a utopian idealist who believed capitalism and minimal government worked best for rational human beings. I attended a lecture by this unusual woman, and wanted to meet her, but that story is for another time.

Ayn Rand is relevant to this article on Xanax, because she wrote about an ideal world where reality forced a certain fairness on people and on society in general. If people did irrational things, their lives unraveled; they tended to fall into disarray. Rand believed happiness must be earned. It shouldn’t be acquired without intellectual effort. It wasn’t a birthright.

People were to strive for and achieve happiness through rational thought and action; by right-living.  Joy was not something just anyone could bestow on themselves with a drug, legal or illegal. Rand could not imagine a future where people would display bad or irrational behavior yet continue to experience a comforting happiness, all because they took tranquilizers and antidepressants.


Xanax, 0.25 mg. I took up to six a day to stop episodic ventricular tachycardia
Xanax, 0.25 mg. I took up to six a day to help prevent episodic supraventricular tachycardia, until surgery made them unnecessary.

But now, decades after Ayn Rand’s death, researchers have learned that people may suffer depressions for no easily discoverable reasons. Depression, it’s now known, may have nothing to do with behavior or right-living. In some people, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain and hormonal system that could have any number of causes not necessarily related to behavior.

Because depression is the main reason for suicides, doctors often prescribe antidepressants and other mood-elevating drugs — like Xanax — to suffering people. The clinical results are often amazing.

Psychiatrists today spend much less time administering expensive and time-consuming therapies, like psychoanalysis and out-patient counseling. The right drug, properly prescribed, is sometimes all it takes to rescue people from their emotions-gone-awry.

In the 1960s and 70s, before tranquilizers and antidepressants were widely accepted and prescribed, most public schools required students to take Health Class as part of Gym.  

Instructors taught that people suffering emotional distress had two options. They could change their environment — or change themselves.  The third option — drug-rescue — wasn’t on the table. Many drugs available today hadn’t yet been invented.


Supra ventricular tachycardia
Supraventricular tachycardia is a fast regular heartbeat. It feels like a little bird in your chest, flapping its wings.

I’ve never taken antidepressant drugs, so I don’t know how I might react to them. But I suffered for years from a heart arrhythmia called supraventricular tachycardia. Doctors prescribed a number of drugs to control it, including the mood elevating tranquilizer, Xanax.

Although it’s been a few years since my last exposure, I am familiar with Xanax, having used it daily for years during two separate periods. I quit the drug twice, once by tapering, and once suddenly — providing direct experience of its “dependency” properties, which for me at least were mild. Everyone is different and readers are advised to follow strictly only their doctor’s instructions. 

For those who have never used it, the main thing I can tell you about Xanax is that it works as advertised. If you suffer from panic attacks (the cause of some episodes of tachycardia), Xanax stops them cold.

If you suffer from anxiety, Xanax stops that kind of suffering as well. The first time I took this brand of benzodiazepine, I dropped to my knees and thanked God for the people who invented it. Just knowing the drug is out there, gives me confidence to live without it. It’s that good, at least for me.


social anxiety disorder-cognitive-therapy
Didn’t suffer social anxiety when taking Xanax. Didn’t grow hair, either.

One thing I didn’t suffer while on Xanax was irritable bowel syndrome — an anxiety driven disorder that bothered me a lot when younger. Weeping stress blisters on my feet cleared-up completely.

Though baldness continued to plague me, social anxiety disappeared. I became somewhat fearless. I took risks in social situations unthinkable in pre-Xanax years. Most times, benefits outweighed risks.

Occasionally, I crossed boundaries with bad results. I still do but not as often. For some reason I want to believe that feeling the pain of social anxiety is morally superior to being dependent on a drug that eliminates it.

And truthfully, Xanax taught me what it felt like to live free, without fear. Once I knew it was possible — that my body and mind were capable of it — I let the drug go.

I guess I felt like Marilyn Cubele, the Twilight Zone girl, who didn’t want to be surgically transformed.  It has something to do with the dignity of the human spirit, as writer John Tomerlin put it in Number 12.  

I want to believe I can be happy without drugs — to think I can face life without a pill or injection to get me through.

The nicest part? — I want to be just like you.

Billy Lee

Note from the Editors: Despite the heroics claimed in his essay, Billy Lee continues to use Xanax to control anxiety and relieve the strain on his heart from chronic coronary artery disease.  26 November 2019

A PERSONAL HISTORY OF TELEVISION, PART ONE

When I was 4 years old, our family lived in Japan.

I have a vivid memory of a dark night when the maid took my brother and me out for a rendezvous with our parents. We stood on concrete steps outside a brick building waiting for them to show up.


The neon sign emitted a bright glow of colors. I’d never seen anything like it.

Beneath the starless sky, almost at eye level, a neon sign emitted a glow of colors. I’d never seen anything like it. I asked our Japanese maid what it was.  It’s television, she said.

The year was 1952. Four years earlier, the first television stations in the United States started to broadcast. But Japan then was a primitive, conquered country. It would be years before television arrived. Our maid didn’t know what she was looking at. Neither did I.  For me televisions continued to be bright neon signs for quite some time.

Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia:

True regular commercial television network programming did not begin in the U.S. until 1948. During that year legendary conductor Arturo Toscanini made his first of ten TV appearances conducting the NBC Symphony Orchestra; Texaco Star Theater, starring comedian Milton Berle, became television’s first hit show. Since the 1950s, television has been the main medium for molding public opinion.



[Not to digress into weeds that might choke a winding river, but during World War II, Italian composer Arturo Toscanini’s daughter  Wally Castelbarco (friend to Russian-born actress Marianned Pistohlkors) and Allen Dulles (CIA director, 1953-1961) engaged in a ”forbidden” sexual affair in Bern, Switzerland (check the correct location and dates).  President Kennedy fired Dulles after the failed 1961 Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba.  Following Kennedy’s murder in 1963, Allen Dulles sat on the Warren Commission. He died from complications of flu in 1969. Wally is the woman at the far left standing next to her parents.]


Like almost everyone else in America, our family missed the first seven years of broadcast television, including Toscanini’s series. I was born in San Diego in 1948, the year commercial television made its debut. At the time, Americans owned 45,000 television sets — three-quarters of them in the New York City area. (Americans owned 44 million radios.)  In San Diego, what few televisions there were lay locked, most of them, behind laboratory doors.

Mom and Dad didn’t buy our first television until 1955. I was seven.  By then we were living in Bethesda, Maryland where Dad worked for the National Security Agency. At the time, no one knew the NSA existed. It was television, many years later, that brought the secret agency to the public’s attention. 


old television
Touching the television could get you sent to your room, or worse.

Our first television looked a lot like the one pictured above. It was a magical box that, at first, we were not allowed to touch. Touching the television got us sent to our rooms, or worse. Dad delivered a painful nip with his finger to the back of any hand that dared to touch the keen knobs that controlled the TV’s mysterious features. But eventually, especially when Dad wasn’t around, the rest of the family, myself included, became adept at the controls.

The television-set broadcast two channels crisp and clear and one channel with a lot of “snow.” The picture was always black and white, and the stations went dead after 11:30 PM. Of course, we were all in bed well before then. Our parents wouldn’t dream of staying up later. They worked, after all.

After 11:30 PM each television station would display a graphic like the ones below and issue forth a loud hum or ringing noise.  Sometimes I got up way too early and would observe these mysterious symbols and their humming on all three channels. They reminded me of what we might see and hear if Russia attacked us with atomic rockets.


off air television
After hours, mysterious symbols hummed on all three channels.

off air


Our favorite shows were on early Saturday morning. In addition to cartoons like Mighty Mouse, we watched The Lone Ranger, the Howdy Doody Show, Buffalo Bill, and Captain Kangaroo.  

On weekdays after school, we rushed home to watch the Mickey Mouse Club starring Annette Funicello. I loved Annette completely. She was the only female Mouseketeer to have boobs.


Annette funicello 2
Annette Funicello

Next to Marilyn Monroe — who everybody knew about but no one had ever seen (she wasn’t allowed on television) — Annette Funicello was the most desirable female on planet Earth at that time. But, by fourth grade, a terrible tragedy struck. Though not reported by television or newspapers (kids didn’t read newspapers, anyway), every child somehow learned that Annette had died from bubblegum asphyxiation — a tragedy to rival the Kennedy assassination years later.

Much later — in college during the 1960s — we learned Annette Funicello didn’t die. Media reported that she was alive and well and living somewhere in California.

The knowledge helped to ameliorate the pain of other deaths that were reported in the newspapers and on television back then — John and Bobby Kennedy; Martin Luther King; Malcolm X; Otis Redding; Jimi Hendrix; Janis Joplin; Marilyn Monroe; Che Guevara — and many others. Maybe it was possible,  just possible — we hoped against hope — someday, someway — we would learn that these unusual people didn’t die, either.

By my third-grade year, the biggest event in everyone’s lives was the night Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time — on the Ed Sullivan Show. Everyone — adults and kids alike — dropped everything to see Elvis. Words cannot express how huge this event was in the history of America. Those who didn’t have a television went out and found one. The entire country watched.

Everyone knew about the controversial movements Elvis Presley made with his legs and hips — they were reported in all the magazines and newspapers — but no one could imagine what these moves actually looked like. We needed television to show us.


Elvis 1956
Elvis Presley, 1956

And what did television do? In a spectacle that would be repeated again and again for decades after, television dropped the ball and disappointed its huge viewing audience. The camera focused on Presley’s face and upper body. No one saw his infamous lower-body machinations. After all the psychic energy invested by everyone to finally learn the secrets of this unusual man’s success, television left us wondering.

Elvis sang a song that night we had all heard many times before on the radio: Hound Dog. Seeing the song performed — not just hearing it, like on the radio — was exciting enough to make most everyone forget about what they had missed.

You ain’t nothing but a hound dog — cryin’ all the time. You ain’t nothing but a hound dog — cryin’ all the time. You ain’t never caught a rabbit, and you ain’t no friend of mine. When they said you was high class, well that was just a lie. When they said you was high class, well that was just a lie. You ain’t never caught a rabbit, and you ain’t no friend of mine.

No one who experienced the magic of his television appearance could imagine in their darkest nightmare that someday Elvis would die, too.

On a brighter note: advertising revenue for the show set an all-time record; viewership set an all-time high. It seemed clear to all that television was here to stay.

Billy Lee